A Parent's Instruction Manual

Headphones must be one of the most replaced items in my household. Constantly breaking, I always seem to be buying a new pair for someone. Last week, my daughter went through two pairs alone. After buying the second pair, and she sat fumbling to open the package to free the new pair that would allow her to access her beloved electronic bliss once again, she quipped, “Look Mom, even headphones come with an instruction manual! Why would we need an instruction manual for headphones?” She seemed rather amused by this. But she had a point- such a simple device had a booklet explaining their operation. This got me thinking about why some of the most complicated things in life don’t come with an instruction manual, like navigating middle school, for example. Or choosing your spouse. And of course, the big one, raising children.

Once we become parents, we spend 18 years (and typically more) raising kids, and continuing to fret and worry about them long after. We lose sleep and hair, develop wrinkles and a slight strain in our lower back, (and what’s with that long line that develops between the brow?). We fuss, and fight, and worry, and worry some more. Sometimes, our marriages become strained, and we disconnect from friends that we once spent every weekend planning the next big shindig with. Spontaneous vacations, impromptu weeknight dinners to the new fancy restaurant in town or the new pub seem to fade. Not completely gone, but faded. True, most of us wouldn’t trade this life for anything. We love our kids, and wouldn’t really have it any different. But why, oh why, can’t children just come with an instruction manual? Why can’t it be simple? Maybe we could save ourselves a few wrinkles in the process?

While an instruction manual that perfectly sets out the musts and must nots of raising children does not exist, we can certainly learn some things from child experts. As a therapist for over 20 years, I’ve learned some things along the way that have helped. While I do not always get it right as a parent (I am human after all), there are some foundational concepts I believe are important inclusions in any “instructional manual.”

1. Shed expectations - we all come into parenting with expectations. We have expectations for ourselves, but also for our children. We envision our children in our minds long before they are born. We think about their gender, what color hair they may have, their eyes, smile, how smart they will be, how they will dote on us, etc. Our expectations may go so far as envisioning what they might be like as adults. These expectations often continue after they are born. While he was a baby, I envisioned my son, a strapping all American boy with blue eyes and blond hair as a talented football player (like his father), even going so far as imagining him running onto the field as an Ohio State Buckeye. The truth is, my son is the furthest thing from an athlete. It’s not that he doesn’t have the height or the build for it, but he just doesn’t have the interest. He would rather be rewiring a computer, or repairing a light fixture, or setting up a makeshift “engine” on his bike. Giving up our expectations of our children’s imagined selves frees them up to be who they really are. And we as parents have a responsibility to let go of what’s imagined in our minds and accept what exists in reality. This doesn’t mean that we cannot try to steer our children towards things we think might suit their talents,or challenge them to become the best version of themselves, but we cannot become that parent we all know - the one who has completely directed and controlled their children's lives - if we want to sustain a healthy and reciprocal relationship with our children well into the future.

2. Give up the shoulds - From time to time I work at a local hospital treating adults with mental health and substance abuse histories through groupwork. One of my favorite phrases I give to my clients is “stop shoulding yourself.” What I want them to know is that they need to give up all the “shoulds” in their head to move forward, or perhaps to release toxic energy created by the constant barrage of these unnecessary statements. Our “shoulds” contain messages such as “I should be thinner”, “I should do better”, or “They should like me.” They imply judgment, expectations, and pressure. In terms of our children, our statements might include “He should be walking by now”, “I should potty train at 18 months”, “She should be earning all A’s.” When we challenge and release our “should” statements, we work to build rational, realistic and broad-minded thoughts that lead to a greater inner peace.

3. Understand it’s a process - Each day is a new day to start over, or to make progress, especially with parenting. I am not sure there is a parent alive who doesn’t have that moment where the voice in their head utters “Oh my, why did I do that?” Or, “Why did I say that?”, and “I could have done that differently.” The truth is, kids are resilient, and often pull through much better than we would expect when things don’t go their way, or when we react badly to them. Each day is a journey in the process of helping to sculpt this precious being into the best version of themselves. Keep moving forward; don’t let yesterday's mistakes dictate how today goes. Start each day fresh, with a commitment to be a good enough, if not the best, parent you can be.

4. Be there - What does it mean to be there for your kids? Ask yourself what this means to you, then think about what it meant to you as a young child with your parents. Chances are you can channel that inner kiddo long enough to conjure up some thoughts about the kind of presence you wanted from your parents in your life. And whether you got it from them or not, this is your chance to give yourself the connection with your child that you had hoped for as a kid. Don’t get stuck in the adult version of “being there”, which too often consists of a somewhat complacent presence or a rationalized version of being a provider or taking care of things around the house. You would have to do those things whether you had children or not, don’t let this become your definition of “being there.” Stay in the mind of your inner child and really capture what you wanted as a child, and then offer it to your kids.

5. Mind Your Environment - How many times have you heard that someone is the way they are because “it’s in their genes” or they are “just like their mother” or “just like their father.” To an extent, genes play a significant role in our lives - whether we have blue eyes, or brown; whether we grow tall or short; whether we develop cancer, diabetes, etc. is all controlled by genetics. However, sometimes we forget the role of the environment in gene expression. The reality is that genes not only control, but are also controlled. The science of epigenetics is all about how genes are controlled and what factors can influence them. Environment has a lot of do with whether or not certain genes get expressed and research shows that chronic stress during adolescence influences the function of a gene known to place people at risk for developing several types of mental illness. Akira Sawa, director of the Johns Hopkins Schizophrenia Center, has noted in previous research, “It’s been known that chronic stress can increase a person’s chances of developing a neuropsychiatric disorder if already predisposed by the genes inherited.” Make a note to create an environment, and relationship with your child, that is not stress filled. When stressors do arise, be sure to role model healthy emotion regulation skills (this is a topic for another blog!). Recognize hereditary risk that may be present, and have a game plan to offset its chances of developing through a healthy environment. Helping your child cope with stressors, and helping them feel confident that they can handle what life throws their way, will build resiliency against potential mental health problems later in life.

There are many more aspects to parenting. I don’t believe that an exhaustive list of “what to do” and “what not to do exists.” I think most parents would admit that each day brings new challenges, and each day provides an opportunity to grow and learn as a parent. However, these basic tenets, as the undergirding for day to day challenges in parenting, will help in bringing about the best possible experience for us, and for our kids, in this thing called “parenting.” Until that little instruction book comes neatly wrapped in the little box, we can take comfort knowing that these foundations will help.