Make Peace with Your Emotions: Using mindfulness to end the battle

#mindfulness #counseling #jessicaryanphd #emotions #feelings

Emotions exist for a reason. They help propel us to action. They motivate us for change. They help us express our feelings to others and can build connections with those we love and care for. Alternatively, they can emotionally distance us from those who may have hurt us. Emotions ready us for a challenge or possibly flood us with warmth and security. While there is sound evolutionary reasoning for human emotions, sometimes they are overwhelming and even debilitating.

In my practice, I see clients who struggle with anxiety, depression, fear, regret, pain and loss, among many feelings. Often, people are struggling with how they are feeling and the emotions these feelings are based on. They are in a fight with their emotions, and looking to win. We’ve been conditioned to associate many of our emotions and feelings with negativity. We’ve been taught to hide them, to “deal” with them, and to “make them go away.” Certainly, clients in my practice are not openly embracing their feelings, but rather seeking care from me in an attempt to make their feelings just go away or end the way they are feeling.

I propose an alternative. That is, I suggest to my clients that they learn to make peace with their emotions and subsequent feelings. Learning to embrace how we feel, and practice acceptance for how we are feeling is a core component of a psychological state we call mindfulness. In mindfulness, we embrace whatever feeling we are having, whether it be good or bad, notice how we are feeling, and then allow the feeling to be without passing judgment and with an attitude of acceptance.

It probably goes without saying that putting mindfulness into practice is challenging for most. Because we have been conditioned to change how we are feeling, it is sometimes a daunting task to work on learning to leave our feelings alone. We want to move on from our feelings in any way we can because of how they affect us. But some would argue that learning to practice mindfulness and acceptance takes away the very notion that we have to let our feelings be in control. And once we remove the power that feelings have over us, we are better positioned to react and act in a more logical and rational way.

Here are some ways to tap into mindfulness and acceptance when you begin to feel overwhelmed by feelings:

You can end the battle with your emotions through mindfulness practice

Turn toward your emotions with acceptance. Learn to build emotional awareness. This begins with feelings identification. Familiarize yourself with the vast array of human emotions, not just sadness and anger. Pay attention to hidden feelings - the ones we don’t as easily identify. For example, anger is sometimes a mask for deeper feelings, such as rejection, abandonment, and shame. Notice the feelings you are having in certain situations. Pay attention to them and take note.

Identify and label the emotion. Ask yourself what you are feeling. Is it anger? Sadness? Rejection? Abandonment? Learn to properly label what you are experiencing.

Accept your emotions. Learn to simply allow the feeling to be. Don’t deny it, just acknowledge and accept that it is there. Say it out loud. Practice stating the feeling to yourself and/or to others.

Realize the impermanence of your emotions. Practice the saying, “This too shall pass” understanding that all feelings ebb and flow and you will not be feeling this way indefinitely. This can be hard if emotions feel overwhelming, but you can remind yourself based on past experience that all feelings come and go.

Let go of the need to control your emotions. Be open to whatever your emotions are bringing to you. Feeling sad? Let yourself be sad for a bit. Give yourself permission to have the feelings you are having. Feeling rejected? Identify and honor this feeling. Give it the room it needs to express itself. Remember that you are ultimately in charge of your behavior that may come from the feelings you are having, so practice managing any negative behavior that may flow from allowing yourself to truly feel. Allow your feelings to unfold, without thoughts that you must do something about them.

Once you give your feelings the space they need to exist, you may find that you are less likely to be in a constant confrontation which stems from trying to change how you are feeling. Educate others in your life about your new stance on mindfully accepting your emotions, so that they can support and encourage you to do so. Perhaps over time, you will loosen the grip that some emotions and feelings can have on your life, simply by letting them be.